Thursday, February 26, 2009

Friday the 13th (2009)

Yo. I have been gone for a second. Let's try this again.

I saw Friday the 13th the first week it was out. My roommate really wanted to see it and I was mildly interested as I did actually enjoy the Halloween remake. So there was a little bit of hope that this movie wouldn't suck.. but boy, was I wrong.

Dude, Friday the 13th Sucked

You know the plot, deformed kid drowns in a lake while at camp, becomes a killer blah blah blah. In the original movie, Jason's mother is the murderer in the first movie (sorry for spoiling it). However in this remake, Jason is the murderer from the beginning, we get a small "mother murder scene" in the beginning, but its just to set the situation. In fact, this movie is kind of melting pot of the first few Friday the 13th movies.

The casting in this movie was terrible. First off, the asian dude from 21 and Nick and Norah is in the movie...awesome. And the rest of the characters look like they came fresh from a Hollister shoot.

Hey, I am looking for my sister. Have you seen her?

No, bro. Get out of my face.

Also, you remember Willa Ford, yeah she's in it... She shows her boobs though, oh how the mighty have fallen.

A lot of people watch horror movies for the brutal killing scenes, and Friday the 13th had some awesome killing scenes, or atleast, I think it did. There was this one part where Jason was gonna stick this long metal thing in this guys neck, but then the camera got really shaky and I couldn't tell but I think the guy died, I mean I didn't see him anymore, so I'm assuming he died and I am assuming it was awesome. This was an R rated movie, why would you hire Michael J Fox to be your cameraman? Show the murder, what a letdown.

What a horrible movie and a complete bastardization of a decent franchise... ok franchise..1 and 2 were good... so was Jason Goes to Hell... uhhh, so its another shitty product of a shitty franchise... 3 outta 9 or so is pretty bad.

This movie broke some horror movie first week records, so it has to ok right? Wrong, you know what else was in theaters when this came out... He's Just Not That Into You and Confessions of a Shopaholic... what else were you going to see? Slumdog Millionaire? No thanks, I don't watch bollywood, bro. (Editors note : Slumdog Millionaire was good...bro)

I shouldn't have paid to see Friday the 13th, because Dude, that movie sucked.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Drillbit Taylor

There comes a time in every comedic actor's career when they cast aside the old Hollywood adage of "never work with children" and they... agree to work with children. This almost always has a horrible outcome, but Owen Wilson does his best to succeed where so many actors have failed before. And it kind of works.

I ignored all the warning signs for Drillbit Taylor and focused on the names attached to this project while making my decision to rent it. Judd Apatow, Seth Rogan, John Hughes (Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off) and Steven Brill (director of Heavyweights) all have their names on the back of the box so I figured I would give it a shot.

From the opening sequences we learn that our two young leading men are about to embark on their first day of high school. Worried about being popular and about avoiding bullies they set out to make their first day the best it can be. All of their planning goes to waste when Wade tries to stop two bullies from picking on the nerdiest kid in school and now all three of the boys face a year of torment at the hands of an 18 year old high schooler and Josh from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh. So the kids hire Drillbit Taylor an ex Black Ops soldier to be their bodyguard, only problem is Taylor isn't who he says he is.

The jokes are funny for the most part. The movie relies heavily on slapstick and has its fair share of obvious Seth Rogan comparison humor (you look like _____, it's kind of like ______). If you think its funny to watch little kids get punched around and use swear words you'll like Drillbit Taylor. It's a funny movie, you may not roll on the floor laughing but you will get a kick out of the dialogue and the situations the boys find themselves in. And you can't argue with a Blade Runner reference (probably another Seth Rogan joke). Owen Wilson's character probably could have been played by anyone, he does a good job, but the characters of Ryan and Wade make the movie. The final showdown between the boys and the bullies is hilarious. I would recommend this movie for this scene alone.

Bottom line is Drillbit Taylor is a cute and funny movie that probably should have been a lot worse. If you were a fan of Heavyweights I suggest you check this one out. Drillbit Taylor surprised me and hopefully it will surprise you too. The only thing that could have made this movie better would have been a Kennan Thompson cameo, but then I wouldn't have had anything to complain about.

Drillbit Taylor gets 3/5.

-Dude, That Movie Sucked

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


As far as super hero movies go, Hancock was actually full of surprises. None of the surprises being any good, but surprises none the less.

Will Smith plays John Hancock (the nurse at the hospital asked him for his "John Hancock"...get it?) a drunken super hero asshole who can't seem to do anything right who, after meeting a PR guy named Ray Embry, decides straighten out his life and be the super hero the world needs.

And that's the plot... except not at all.

After all of this takes place, something happens that completely changes everything about this movie. I won't tell you what it is and ruin the surprise, but it happens an hour into the the 90 minute movie and it manages to ruin any salvageable piece of entertainment. It felt like a cheap sequel plot.

Hancock is poorly written. The ongoing gags and cheap "potty mouth" humor get old fast. Everything you would expect a foul mouthed Hancock to say, he does. All the slapstick humor is expected and unoriginal. Again bringing about the feeling of a cheap sequel.

If you have ever seen anything directed by Peter Berg, you know what this movie looks like. Long drawn out, out of focus and off center shots. I normally enjoy his work, however with Hancock it seemed out of place. He would use his signature shooting styles when the tone of the movie dropped below fun super hero movie and into obvious drama making the shooting styles repetitive.

The only thing missing from this Berg flick is an entire soundtrack composed by Explosions in the Sky. Instead in the opening action sequence we are treated to an edited version of the 6 year old hit single by Ludacris - "Move Bitch". Awesome.

One saving grace (and I use that term only because I don't know of another one to use) of Hancock is the decent amount of strange cameos. The young Michael Myers from the Rob Zombie's Halloween makes an appearance, David from Roseanne shows up, Lieutenant Jim Dangle from Reno 911 pops up, and DayDay from Next Friday comes in at the end. I'm sure there are more, but you get my point.

As an original feature length motion picture, Hancock fails. It is hardly original and a little hard to watch. It is a poor choice for the one film a year Will Smith, but I'm sure he still made millions. So he can just toss it in the Oops Pile along with Men in Black II, Bad Boys II, Hitch, Shark Tale, Wild Wild West, and that one episode of Fresh Prince where he won't date Queen Latifah because of her weight.

I give Hancock 2 Will Smith summer movies, out of 5.

-Dude, That Movie Sucked

Saturday, June 28, 2008


So I decided to venture out and catch Wanted... on opening night. Now this may not seem like a big deal, but you are wrong and stupid, it is a huge deal. You see, the world is full of assholes, and Friday nights, as it seems, all of these assholes meander to their local movie theaters. And what do they do when they get there? They take it upon themselves to test my patience. I came to watch a movie, not to listen to you talk to your friends and to be blinded by your constant text messaging. I also hate waiting in lines. Especially when people come out of the theater talking about the ending of the movie you are about to see. Thanks for the spoiler, cock.

On to the review.

Inspired by the red band trailer riddled with bloody bullets bursting through the brains of bad guys (how about that tone painting?), I paid $8 and saw Wanted.

The theater was packed, the trailers were lame, and some couple thought it would be cool to bring their babies to an R rated movie at 10:30PM...BUT I guess you want to read about the movie.

Wanted is an adaption of a comic book of the same name by Mark Millar, but I never read the comic so all you nerds wondering how closely it follows the comic book, I'm going to assume it doesn't.

Leading man James McAvoy is Scottish, but he plays an American in Wanted. Not only does the idea of a non-American faking an "American accent" weird me out, it also bothers me that even the roles in Hollywood are being outsourced to foreigners. He is convincing as a scared guy that gets confidence with his new found super powers though, which is one thing Toby Mcgwire can't do.

Like every movie made in America in the last 6 years, Morgan Freeman is also in the movie. I guess he is a good actor, but as the leader of a Fraternity of Assasins he isn't very intimdating. Maybe it's those freckles, he's just so cute!

Angelina Jolie plays Fox... I get it, you're a tough girl.

The action sequences were pretty awesome. Nothing new. The CGI was decent, and I think only once I got bothered by how fake it looked.

In typical Action Movie form, this movie suffers from "shaky cam"... you know, when you can't really tell what is going on because the camera won't stop moving. It gets really bad in a few places, especially in the beginning, but I was able to overlook it. It's not like it was as bad as Resident Evil.

There is a twist ending which you might be able to pick up on a little before it comes. Right before it happens you'll say "Oh yeah" and then try your best to whisper the end to your date before they do it to you. This is kind of a let down because of how obvious it becomes.

Wanted was decent. If you like blood and car crashes on a huge screen with the opportunity to gasp with delight with a hundred other people I reccommend seeing this one in theaters. It may not be the best movie of the year, but it beats renting Gone In Sixty Seconds.

3.5/5 stars or something (I'll come up with a grading system later)

-Dude, That Movie Sucked

Friday, May 23, 2008


I love to complain about movies.

I hope you do too.

Join me, won't you?